First off, for those who don't know me, let me give you a little background. When I was little I was repeatedly molested and it left scars that I will probably never escape from. It has constantly haunted me and caused so much pain in my life and it also played a hand in my marriage crumbling. I can't blame it all on that, but the more I read and digest about the subject, the more I came to terms with how it was controlling me. I fought against it and as of right now I'm in the best place I have ever been with it but I still struggle with a lot of things. Mostly it hurts the ones I love. It's hard for me to be touched or cuddled, I can't really explain it but there is a uncomfortable twinge all over my body that makes me want to rip the skin from my bones. It's not fun and most of the time I feel guilty for my body acting against me. I just wish there was an easier way to push past it. I read an article about a lawyer sewing someone because of molestation and he coined the phrase "Soul Murder" and since I read that I have never been able to think of it as anything else.
These fears are only compounded when I think about raising a child. I know in my heart that I will never allow my child to enter a situation where they will be able to be hurt like I was, but I also know that I can't control every situation. When she goes to school and is in daycare I won't be able to be there and that destroys me. What happened to me was not 100% my parents' fault but a lot of lies in who they left me with and how it was handled afterwards. Ignoring the issue doesn't help anything. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't help your child. Punishing for acting out isn't always the right choice. These are things I have learned from how they did it. I need to be open and ask questions and make sure I vet every person who is possibly EVER going to come in contact with my daughter... That might be taking a bit too far but the fear inside me says it's not even close to enough.
Another thing that scares me is that I will pass this kind of fear down to her. I'm already crazy protective when it comes to the people that I love and I can't even begin to imagine what that will look like when it comes to Penny. I"m just afraid that all of my bad habits will transfer to her. I know that I can be a know it all to the point of frustration and sometimes I'm a bit of a bastard. I know these things about myself. I know that this is part of the balance that keeps me above water. I found that being honest and open with myself and others has made it easier for me to deal with things. That sometimes comes with a little bit of anger when I know I'm right but people around me still do things wrong. I also understand that right and wrong are subjective and that I am just being a jerk sometimes. I don't need anyone to point that out, if you think "maybe he doesn't know" I do, I just don't care. The events in my life have made me into this pessimistic over-protective wreck. I just hope that Penny will understand me and that we can connect on that level. I just hope she doesn't see me as baggage like I do my parents.
I love my father to death and there is a special place in my heart(and hell) for my mother. A lot of people say they wouldn't be who they are today without their parents. The only things inside of me that I attribute to my parents are bad things. The good parts of me I had to create on my own and I am thankful that I didn't turn out like them, I just really freaking hope that with that knowledge I can give Penny the encouragement, security, and love that I didn't get.